I'm all ear!

Some people are born with the amazing ability to run fast, jump high or, in the case of Joey ‘Jaws’ Chestnut, the useless ability to scarf down 62 hot dogs in only 10 minutes.

Yes, these are all good and well, but how many people can claim they have been told, by one of their best friends’ brother, on more than one occasion: ‘Jonny its so great that whatever I tell you goes in one ear and stays in?’

Yes, you heard (I mean read) me correctly I have a rather special ability - as a result of being born deaf in my right ear - of being one of the few men alive who is able to listen to his wife, process the information and remember it all word for word!   

Whilst one might see this as a disability; I never really have (apart from hiding my ear in a ridiculous pudding bowl hairstyle for the first few years of my life).

My appendage has, of course, generated a series of laughs (and misunderstandings) down the years. For example, there was the time a primary school teacher motioned at me and pointed to the black board with her thumb. As I could not hear what she said I thought nothing of it – until later.

At the end of the lesson she was furious with me. I, of course, had no idea why, until she explained that she had wanted me to clean the board. I then explained that I could not, for the lack of a second ear, hear her and all was forgiven!

There have also been several occasions when people have been happily chatting away to me, blissfully unaware that I was not able to hear a thing.

This, of course, has both its advantages and disadvantages. For example if said person is boring me to tears I could just go yes, yes oh yes oohhh, I knoooooooow (ok that was Sybil Fawlty but you know what I mean.) On the other hand, it could go horribly wrong if I got busted and was asked you can’t hear a thing I am saying can you?

This would often lead to a lot of silent cursing, wringing of hands and explaining but it always has its advantages. For example, if I go out with three friends I am always going to sit next to one whom I can not hear – I mean I can’t turn my head both ways at the same time.

That’s why when I meet someone for a drink, coffee, movie, walk, run I always have to make sure they are on my left unless I just want to go yes, yes, I know, I know.

I mean, if you really think about it, it’s quite cool to have a broken ear. I mean there is even a Tintin book named after me called Tintin and Jonny’s Broken Ear so its nice to think that the condition I was born with, loosely termed as Trotter’s Syndrome, has spawned a famous book (ok its not really called that!)

Also known as unilateral conductive deafness due to middle ear effusion; my right ear is quite scary to look at and once scared the hell out of my wife’s niece on our wedding day. Thank god for my mom who calmed down said child before she was forced to crawl up in a ball and start talking in tongues.

There have also been a lot of tactless people, who have asked me about my ear, down the years.

Once, at work, I got in the lift with the holding company’s building manager and a few other people. The lift doors closed and she then piped up, at the top of her voice, what happened to your ear? I don’t quite remember how I answered - probably something along the lines of oh yeah, I know what you mean yeah or maybe I just pretended not to hear her!

Sometimes I just like to tell people I lost the ear in the war; that it is an old sporting injury or that Van Gogh was actually inspired by me when his sent his girlfriend his ear in the post!

Who needs to hear out of two ears anyway? Maybe that’s why I often like to do things on my own like go to the movies, out for breakfast etc. I, just like my ear, enjoy my own company.

We like flying solo – in fact I must be one of the only people in the world who have never experienced the joys of stereo sound. I hear (no pun intended) that it’s not that great. What I find particularly freaky (and I swear this has happened) is when a short time after buying headphones the right one, as if knowing I have no need for it, stops working!

So, a final warning and a word to the wise, for the next time we meet and you say, ‘Oh boy have I got a story to tell you!’

Firstly, make sure you are sitting to my left and secondly, when I say go ahead I’m all ears; don’t believe it for a second!